Video Game Sandwich

I picked up Assassins Creed from a friendly gaming retailer a matter of weeks ago. Brimming with excitement over the prospect of playing this much-hyped piece of electronic satisfaction I got home and literally threw the game into my 360… Well, I say threw, but perhaps that is an overstatement. Let’s settle on dropped. I dropped  the wonder into my console and began firing away with these itchy trigger fingers.

A few hours passed and things seemed good, events were starting to reach that chasing tail point, but I could tolerate the nature of the game since I seemed to be making progress with it; happily I would go about the business of mugging, eavesdropping, and murdering the poor hapless folk belonging to each of the vast kingdoms. Over and over again I would do so, in fact. This was done quite happily until, somewhere around Memory Block 4, things got a little stale. Once I’d accessed Memory Block 4 the means seemed to vastly outweigh the rewards, as I would complete missions of trawling through kingdoms trying desperately to find people to snatch information from, then murder the kingpins in question. And yet, still, I would remain on Memory Block 4. Oh, kill another fella in a seperate kingdom, should I? So be it. Once again I navigate a lengthly horse ride from one kingdom to another, and then rinse and repeat the same series of actions I’d been utilizing thus far throughout the game. But, to my surprise, I’m still on Memory Block 4? Okay. Fool me once, Mr. Ubisoft, shame on you, but I wont be your sucker-ass fool-piece in the second round. Hastily I removed that game from console, never for it to burden my existence again.

It was a wake up call of sorts, as prior to attempting desperately to become engaged in this Creed experience I had completed Mass Effect. Now, making the jump (no pun intended) to Assassins Creed from such a game is almost akin to reading a Philip K. Dick novel, and then attempting to invest the same nature and measure of interest in an instruction manual. A shitty instruction manual, no less. One which perhaps makes a desperate attempt to translate itself from Traditional Chinese text to English, and fails. What you’re left with is an incomprehensible mess of things; some useful to you, but most mere nonsense. While you’re whole-heartedly trying to find a reason to keep on reading, it becomes quickly apparent that you’re hitting your head against a brick wall. Repeatedly.

I know this is an overly long, overly useless metaphor on why I couldn’t complete Assassins Creed, but allow me to break it down for both developer and reader: don’t create a game which seems more desperately akin to the idea of cool than that of coherence. Narratively, and without spoiling anything for those willing to give the game a shot, this game belongs in the past. Fragmented plots may seem really hip, but there’s a reason Memento worked, and a reason Assassins Creed doesn’t. Just bear that in mind when you make that sequel you’re so destined to create.

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