Video Game Sandwich

So, to continue my trend of achievement whoring/playing crappy games for the fun of diversification (real word?) I loaded up that grand heap of monkey crud one can only describe as King Kong. As one of the launch titles you take the experience with a pinch of salt, and a spade full of recreational drug abuse. Unfortunately the latter was no feasible option under my circumstance, so I had to do this one by the books; straight-laced ‘n edged, but there was only so much of this hazy little ape trip I could muster.

Using the help of cheats (yeah… cheats! on a 360 game! no shock-awe smilie in this entire complicated system of internetting can describe the surprise I reached on discovery of this) I managed to unlock each and every damn level, which sped up the process ten-fold (the resource of such codes can be found right the frick here.) And yet, still, the game dragged on. Each mission felt so laboured, and the GUI was virtually non-existent. One must assume, via the miracle of intuition, that this Tyrannosaurus trying desperately to tear my head off is some what of a fatal circumstance. But when winged gargoyles float down from the heavens and poke at you, seemingly ineffectively, it plays on the tedium scales. Then there’s the issue of pretty much guessing your ammo supply, which is sheer heaven when you’ve got a Raptor launching at you and the only instance you realize you may be low on bullets is when you hear your gun make a distinct *clunk-clunk*.

It was around 6 or 7 missions in that I decided against going any further. I was armed with about 600 gamerpoints. I was happy. And no matter how many more of the damn things you try to tempt me with there’s no way you’re getting me to complete your stupid game. Maybe they should make a revision to the title of this game, King Kong: Guess Work feels so much better.

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Okay, now, this might be an easy achievement whoring session if you’re a sport-literate American, but if your name’s Lou, you’re from Britain, and the only football you truly understand is the one played by teams like Arsenal or Barcelona then you’d be hard pressed to apply these rules to the American namesake. It takes an age to complete all of the Madden NFL 06 achievements as it is, the most tedious of which would be the 30 years of franchise mode which involves much persistence and an undying love of the A and Start buttons on your 360 controller (you’ll need it as the amount of time you’re spending with these two buttons will be about the span of an average modern marriage anyway).

Once you’ve emerged from several hours of intermittent button-monkeying I was up to the 350 yard pass, and 200 yard rush achievements. Okay. Right. I know how to pass, and I could probably make 350 yards out of that little gem, but a rush? What’s a rush? Is that literal, like, how one would rush with the ball to score at the end zone in attempt not to get one’s limbs shattered? (lol… i said end zone…) or is that some sort of technical term used in the NFL to support a gameplan, or play, or method, or lack of patience, e.t.c.? Either way I gave right up on that one. The squareness of my eye balls was rather alarming, so I figured it was high time I turn off this damn game and let my eyes be the circular shape they’ve always destined to be.

Next on the list: Donkey Kong… Sorry, I mean King Kong!

(… I wish it was Donkey Kong, I hear this King Kong is all kinds of shit!)

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XBOX Live being Five and all that shit (sorry, it’s actually 5ive, not five, like the UK boyband) they’re deciding that we deserve free stuff for feeding their grand machine billions of dollars. Which I think is fair enough. So if you like to win, ‘cos second place is for pussies, you’d best take a look at this little gem of wonder…

http://www.xbox.com/en-US/community/events/playandwin/default.htm

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Hey just a quick post to remind all that for today (and I think tomorrow) Carcassonne is free to download from XBLA. “But why?” you ask! Well it all about Michael Suft celebrating ‘is XBL berthday!!

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Okay, so, either this is a mistake or Microsoft have hatched a devious little brain child which will render us 360 fansters penniless in the most bittersweet nature possible. It’s a shit creek we’re being sent wayward up, friends, but it’s a shit creek with chocolate sprinkles and an almighty candy rainbow at its very horizon.

Exhibits O, M, F, and G, my fair jury:

XBOX 360 Release Schedule - November 23rd, 2007

Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
kane & Lynch: Dead Men
Mass Effect
Need for Speed ProStreet

The menace at Bill Gates HQ shall drain us like pigs at the slaughterhouse. I can literally feel this month’s rent drip away and the cold face of the pavement outside against my ass cheeks. How could you do this to me, you monsters. After all the loyal service I’ve paid you.

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Here we go. Dotted line well and truly signed. I am now an IGN Insider. It was a difficult decision to make; IGN vs. Gamespot, and the head to head of my two biggest sources of information. Ritualistically, since the age of about 13, I’ve been visiting these two heavyweights pawing my greasy little digits through information like some sort of knowledge scavenger. Never in all that time, however, had I settled on one home, one resource, one side with which I would pledge allegiance (in the form of a nominal monthly/quarterly/annual fee) but now I have done it, and I’ve picked IGN.

Why?

Patience, would be the best answer. Or a lack thereof. Gamespot, for all its guile and harshness of critique, is just getting too lazy for my liking. The beauty of the internet is its sharp, immediate effect, and Gamespt operates with all the urgency of a print publication. In fact, in a lot of circumstances most print mediums beat Gamespot to reviews, and that’s saying something. IGN on the other hand is on the ball; its there, it’s fighting the front line. It knows that just because a game doesn’t contain Halo or Grand Theft Auto in its title it still deserves the same rapid critique.

Plus, IGN is firing on other cylinders too. It’s been focusing on most aspects of electronic entertainment for a long time now; from movies and music to anime, comics, and scantily clad chicks. Gamespot, in a somewhat underwhelming attempt to keep that ol’ steam train rolling along, has launched Filmspot. An ugly Gamespot clone which looks like it was thrown together by a group of tech-savvy teenagers in a bedroom somewhere, and runs in very much the same vein.

Finally

I have, for a long time, looked upon IGN as some sort of evil Murdoch-headed monster. One with crooked, unreliable information, and no real concern for anything other than that omnipotent, green friend, Mr. Benjamin. But spending more time here it’s easy to appreciate that sometimes capitalist enterprises actually do work. Excellently. There’s money in IGN, but for a good fucking reason; and that’s to bring us all the information we deserve as and when it matters.

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It has been rumored that Microsoft are looking to put out another version of their oh so popular console. Following the ’success’ of Sony’s PS3 selling the Blu-ray format, Microsoft are discussing the possibility of an internal HD-DVD player with hardware manufacturer (and patent owner) Toshiba, this model is also rumored to have an expandable/upgradable hard drive much like a PC and also “extensive wireless capability”.

A senior Toshiba executive in Singapore told SmartHouse that “An Xbox with a built in HD DVD drive is critical. They and we are working on it. It also has to be more than a gaming machine. Microsoft recognise this. A version of the device may also be sold under the Toshiba brand name”. - source: www.smarthouse.com

Mmmm I’m getting flashbacks of Panasonic’s DVD version of the gamecube and how successful that was…

For full report…

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Wow, so my mind has just been in somewhat of a twizwazz as of late; mainly due to the lack of sugars and ‘e’ numbers in my system (I had to cut down, ya know cuz’ of those doctors). In this haze I found it extremely difficult to keep my mind focused on just one game- heck, last week I had 6 games on the go- all of which I played for about 20 minutes a time before switching up. Then came Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass. I turned on the DS, and I was cured; the forgotten fondness I have for the series came flooding back and I didn’t pick up another DS cartridge until completion. It’s probably the best game on the DS- well on second thought- it’s easily the best game on the DS. It’s everything I’ve always loved in a Zelda; a terribly dated story-line, a kid in a green “heroes” costume and some cool-ass character design.

The main flaws with the new Zelda mainly lie in the multiplayer, and peoples inability to take a beating. Ok so I’m not being big headed but I’m insanely good at PHG’s online battle game and 90% of the people that I thrash beyond the point of return just quit the game before time is up, meaning they do not get a lose on their score card and consequentially I don’t receive that win that I worked oh so hard for. The thing I don’t understand is why the hell don’t they have a forfeit system like in ohh so many multiplayers. My other gripes within the main game are all things that I expect to find in a Zelda game- no weapon variety, no real side-quests and no Princess Zelda WTF?

Having completed the game I would certainly say that it is worth the £30-odd when it is released tomorrow. In total I think it took about 10-15 hours to complete, all of which was classic Zelda game-play.

In all, Link’s first outing on the DS makes a welcome change to the casual game sewer that is the Nintendo DS catalogue.
A must buy!

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While thats an admittedly brash title for an article its with good reason I make such a bold statement, for it is sadly, what seems like, the final time we’ll see a console Hawks. Where the late Kurt Cobain vowed to burn out before his cardigan-bearing soul faded away Neversoft’s franchise has adopted an opposite mantra; its open flame flickering and its candle melted mere millimetres from the base.

It’s bee, what feels like, the entirety of the THPS legacy that we’ve all been playing the same game; developers may lead you to believe that certain innovations have been implemented which change the way we’ve played each title from one year to the next, but how much exactly can a feature truly shape the game to be called an innovation? Somewhere along this path the ability to carry your board became a so-called innovation, as too did the ability to slow-down time and execute an elaborate string of board flips; an innovation that used up around 3% of the overall gameplay experience… You call that an evolution, Neversoft? I call it a waste of time. You can package your chocolate fireguard in the finest, most punk-rockingest colours and lettering all you wish, but when I open the box I’ve still got that same, pointless chocolate fireguard.

Developers create these pseudo-features to bide themselves some time as they rattle their brains for some genuine ingenuity to implement on the next edition of the franchise. But what happens when, from one year to the next, that ingenuity fails to show? They’re substituted for stop gaps; flimsy, thrift store-super glue that struggles to bond a lackluster product.

So I understand this year’s Tony Hawk’s effort, Proving Ground, rests its reputation on the ability for a player to choose his or her path; be that a professional, a risk-taker, or whatever skating cliche they can throw your way. You’ll have to excuse me for going out on a whim here, but whatever path you do so choose you can bet both butt-cheeks you’ll be playing the very same game you were playing this time last year.

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